I mean, he may just have taken the sign for the "bait & tackle" section literally.

This has to be the most WTF Walmart headline of all time. One expects these sort of shenanigans from Florida, but not "The Mitten." I just realized that reminding readers that our state looks like a hand in a story about a dude jerking it in one of our Walmarts might not be the best look... moving on.

According to MLive, a woman was in line at the MoneyGram desk in the Ypsilanti Township Walmart at around 6pm on July 31st. The report doesn't go into specifics here, but simply states that a man was "bumping into her." The woman then moved away from the unidentified man, who police believe was masturbating, but not before he reportedly ejaculated on her dress.

Police say the suspect, now wanted on sexual assault charges, is a Hispanic male between the ages of 17 and 25 and stands somewhere between 5'3" and 5'5". He was wearing a brown shirt, khaki shorts, had long hair on top that was pulled into a pony tail, and had buzzed sides. Police also say he wore a throw blanket around his waist, but I wonder if it was actually one of those miniature masturbation tents we wrote about a few years back? Maybe there's some kind of Snuggie for batin' that we don't even know about... a Tuggie? BRB, gotta call Invent Help.

I joke around, but it sounds like this guy is a real sicko and needs to be locked up somewhere. Police say this incident is disturbingly similar to another that took place at a Plato's Closet location in nearby Ann Arbor. That's right, we could have a serial-bator on our hands... again, not the best time for a hand-related euphemism. Sorry.

If you have any information in regards to this case, the Washtenaw County Sheriff's Office asks that you contact Detective Wagner at 734-994-2911. You can also report any pertinent information to Crime Stoppers at 734-973-7711, or via the anonymous tip line at 1-800-SPEAKUP.

Related: Burton Walmart Has a Problem w/ People Coming AND Going