Never ever, under any circumstances should it ever be considered a keen idea for you to wear heels to an outdoor music festival. Why would you do that? Do you like having grass stained feet? Do you enjoy accumulating dirt in between your toe cracks or on the bottom of your crusty heel? No? Then stop wearing heels to outdoor festivals. Yes, even the cute sandal kind. Heels of any kind are a no-go. Plus, if the festival is a good one, you’ll be walking around quite bit, over uneven surfaces and standing a lot. Walking on uneven surfaces and stand a lot are not very fun things to do when you’re wearing heels. Stop.
Don’t get kicked out for bringing a flask into venues where no outside drinks are allowed.
But bring a flask because who the hell wants to pay $9 for a 12 oz. Heineken? Other tricks for bringing in your own alcohol include putting clear liquid into water bottle. But some venues won’t even let you bring your own water in. In those cases, mask the flask.
Don’t spend the entire time recording performances on your phone because you probably suck at it and no one wants to see your wobbly-ass footage on Facebook.
You’re addicted to your phone and remain unconvinced, so of course, you’ll ignore this tidbit. So how’s this: spend no more than 30-45 seconds recording per performance. You’ll get your shaky, craptastic footage that will take up space in your phone, and you’ll also get to, you know, watch the performance in real time, which is sort of why you’re there in the first place.
Don’t forget to pee before you leave the house.
One word: porta potties. Okay, two words.
Don’t forget to bring hand sanitizer.
Speaking of porta potties, if you’re at an all day festival, and you remembered your flask, chances are you’re going to have to pee. So make sure you have hand sanitizer on deck because, gross.
Don’t forget to drink lots of water.
It’s hot, you’ve indulged in copious amounts of clear alcohol or overpriced festival beer and now you’re dehydrated. And now you’ve passed out. And now you’re the person who mandates the presence of EMTs at festivals. And now you’re the person on the stretcher at the festival who everyone is pointing at. Don’t be that person.
Don’t forget to check the venue’s website for what you’re allowed to bring.
If you’re allowed to bring food and you know you’re not going to be doing a lot of hopping from stage to stage, bring a small cooler. Not the carry kind, but the rolling kind because they’re easier. You’ll save money and not be forced to eat a crusty corn dog from a suspect vendor who looks like they’re from West Virginia. We all know about you, West Virginia.
Don’t forget to leave your school shoes at home.
You know the shoes you were super excited to show off on the first day of school? The ones that had you all like, “Ain’t nobody got these, tho’”! Yeah, those. Leave them at the crib, dude. Because you’re at an outdoor festival and someone, at some point will step on them. And it’s not cool to fight at the festival because your sneakers got accidentally stepped on at an outdoor festival. Drunk is the only acceptable to way to fight at festival. Unless you’re drunk fighting because your school shoes got stepped on. Then it’s not cool.
Don’t forget to check the line-up.
If it’s an outdoor festival with several stages, make sure you know what time each act is going on so you can get there on time. It could be the difference between Kendrick Lamar and French Montana.
Don’t bring your corny friends with you.
If your friend is a diva who hates bugs, the sun, dirt, music, sweat, fresh air, or earth… leave his Downer Debbie ass at home.
Don’t forget to bring a poncho.
If you live in an area where summer rain is a thing (wherefore art thou, Carl Thomas?) bring a poncho instead of a cumbersome umbrella. You know the kind you can get at the grocery store and stuff in your back pocket? Bring that.
Don’t forget to have fun.
Outdoor festivals are fun. Have some.