Bradley Cooper has been named PEOPLE Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. He says that the first thing he thought upon winning the honor was, “My mother is going to be so happy.” Sure, that’s what he says, but when you’ve been told you’re the hottest of the hot, there are other things that race through your mind, first.

Thanks to our Columbo-like detective work, we’ve actually uncovered the first 11 thoughts he had when learning the news that no man on earth is better looking than he is:

1. “Wow, Carrot Top got robbed again.”

2. “I’m PEOPLE’S Sexiest Man Alive and Jennifer Lopez is the magazine’s most beautiful woman alive, yet she’s with a backup dancer. What more do I need to do?”

3. “This is great and all, but I was really hoping to win Sexiest Man Alive from The Economist.”

4. “Mel Gibson won this once, too, so I shouldn’t get too excited.”

5. “I guess I’ve been forgiven for making ‘All About Steve.’”

6. “Let me get this straight — Brad Pitt is not only not the sexiest man alive, he’s not even the sexiest Brad alive?”

7. “I really thought Chaz Bono had it in the bag this year.”

8. “I finally understand what Right Said Fred has been singing about all these years.”

9. “I bet that girl who turned me down for the prom feels pretty stupid right now.”

10. “How can I use this as an excuse to get out of making ‘The Hangover 3?’”

11. “I’m glad they handed this out before the next ‘Twilight’ comes out and they remember just how dreamy Taylor Lautner is.”

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