Joe Simpson, the former Baptist minister and breast-loving father of Jessica, is allegedly gay, which would certainly explain his September split from wife Tina. What's more, he's now moved onto greener and manlier pastures with a 20-something plaything.

Again, allegedly.

According to the always reliable (they're not reliable) National Enquirer, Joe recently gathered the Simpson family together for a Lifetime movie-style pow-wow and said his days in the closet were over.

“He told them that he’d tried to continue in his marriage to Tina, but he couldn’t go on any longer and deny the fact that he had these feelings for men," a dubious source reports. "Joe said it wasn’t fair to her, and it wasn’t fair to him."

(We're glad this source is invited into intimate family coming-outs and has enough wherewithal to remember direct quotes two months after the fact. It's people like this who keep the tabloids in business.)

Simpson's wife of 34 years filed for divorce last month citing “discord or conflict of personalities,” likely because “my husband likes the peen” wasn't an option on the court documents.

This of course is just the latest in a slew of Joe Simpson-related tabloid news, including his DUI back in August and his penchant for elucidating on the sexiness of his daughter's rack in 2004. Which, in hindsight, may have just been over-compensation for his repressed homosexuality.

You know. Allegedly.